| Finally, an update |
[Nov. 6th, 2005|03:20 pm] |
Well I went out with CC today, it was fun. I haven't seen her in like 2 weeks so it was nice. On the way out of WalMart I saw my ex Justin. I'm still very attracted to him, but now I can get it all off my mind... Not him, just being with someone. I miss the random phone calls just to say hi, the kisses and cuddling, feeling amazing. I miss being in love and feeling whole. I know, I know.... it all happens in time and when we least expect it... but how can it happen if I don't think it will?
Sigh
I miss it |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 17th, 2005|10:22 am] |
mmm so HOPEFULLY going to chili's today with patrick and chad, we'll see so, eventually i gotta go upstairs where i have service to call pretty boy and find out the deal... and print out where it is and blah blah blah
i just want to be back in bed, but I'll put on a happy face and pretend like every other day |
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| hmm |
[Oct. 14th, 2005|03:42 pm] |
Okay so its 3:45 and I am bored out of my mind... I am very thristy and even more hungry but too lazy to want something, well theres more to it than that.
I have to work tonight and I am happy about that, its the only time I feel happy lately, and when I'm in english cause patrick and chad make me laugh too much, but we havent gotten yelled at again so thats a good thing, we are being a little less obvious about our "secret" conversations... chad could tell i wasnt myself so he made me (actually made me) rest my head on his shoulder and he put his arm around me and we listened to my ipod... and DIDNT GET CAUGHT... for once i didnt get caught, its always the oppisite...
well i should get going now... if you love me call and leave a voicemail to be happy about woohoo
oh and I dont want to hear bullshit that i dont have control over my damn life, cause for all you know I do. If you dont know whats going on in my life and my mind then dont ask cause I dont want you to know |
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| So tired of being lonely |
[Oct. 13th, 2005|10:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  lonely | ] |
"Wreck Of The Day"
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cuz love doesnt hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces
And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love
Maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
All my resistance will never be distance enough
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love
Okay so heres my thoughts of the moment and of basically a really long time... I am just so ready to fall in love and to matter to someone. I've never really had that someone who just brings a smile to my face by just the mere thought of him... Most of my friends are constantly in and out of relationships, saying "I love you" after barely any time has passed... then there are the people you just know are destined to be together... I feel the more and more I think about it it feels asthough its never going to happen. The guys I tend to go for are completely out of my league...
Then there are the great guys who I can depend on and who are always there for me and who I enjoy being with but its still lacking something. I dont want perfection, it doesnt exist. I want a guy who will be my best friend and gets along with my girls, a guy who doesnt mind holding my hand or cuddling, who will give me soft kisses behind my ears, and will call while I'm at work to leave a voicemail after long stressful day... who can make me smile no matter what the day was like... a guy whos kisses make my knees weak each and every time, and whos touch gives me the chills... and someone who wants me too.
I am ready, but there are no takers that I really know of... so if you want me then let me know :( I dont want to need something and not have it... its breaking my heart even more than it already is to begin with. |
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| When the Stars Go Blue |
[Oct. 12th, 2005|08:10 pm] |
Dancin' where the stars go blue
Dancin' where the evening fell
Dancin' in my wooden shoes
In a wedding gown
Dancin' out on 7th street
Dancin' through the underground
Dancin' little marionette
Are you happy now?
Where do you go when you're lonely
Where do you go when you're blue
Where do you go when you're lonely
I'll follow you
When the stars go blue
Laughing with your pretty mouth
Laughing with your broken eyes
Laughing with your lover's tongue
In a lullaby
Where do you go when you're lonely
Where do you go when you're blue
Where do you go when you're lonely
I'll follow you
When the stars go blue
The stars go blue, stars go blue
I love this song |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 6th, 2005|07:36 pm] |
Things always have this certain way of working out. I can honestly say that for the first time in so long. And it is amazing, and I really owe it to one person. I finally feel like I have control over my life and its great. Yes I miss things I had, certain people and certain relationships (meaning friendships) but people move on in different directions and change. Those things also tore aprt my heart and put me into situations I didn't want to go on, the more and more I cared the worse it got. and I couldn't handle it, I wasn't going to deal with bullshit anymore, I didnt have to. Then theres alot I dont miss and we wont go into that....
But yeah so school is going very well... I got an 86 on my history exam, writting a perfect essay which made my day... and pretty boy in english is still very pretty.... I have a presentation and I was gonna bake cookies but I decided against it, this is college lol
Hes leaving tomorrow and I doubt I'll see him :( what will I do? |
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| Hmmm |
[Sep. 26th, 2005|10:17 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Like Toy Soldiers- Eminem | ] |
Well I am sitting in the library at school bored out of out my mind... I have a paper to type up, maybe get it edited by my teacher but I haven't decided yet. I have a break from 10-1 so I am trying to keep busy, lets just say its not working to well. YAWN!! Things are going pretty well so far, and I met the most beautiful guy. hehe... the only bad thing with school right now is I failed my pre-calc test BIG TIME... but its okay, the lowest test grade gets dropped and replaced by the final test grade, or my highest! So thats good... well I gotta go type that thing bye byes |
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| My first entry |
[Sep. 22nd, 2005|04:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Stupid Girl- Cold | ] |
Well this is my first entry.... and so it begins.
There is alot going on in my life now, and I'm kinda just stuck.
My English professor assigned an essay and gave us 3 set topics to write about. I'm sitting here and thinking about what to write... I know I want to write about something that has gotten me to where I am right now and what's helped me to achieve my goals. Well I guess what other than something I know best. That's losing the people who I held closest to my heart. I've had so many people come in and out of my life and walk all over me and my emotions, and this summer I finally decided to not take it anymore. I mean I know I'm not perfect but I'm like to think of myself as a pretty dependable person. I dont stand people up or intentially not return phonecalls etc. I dont usually cancel plans, if I have to I notify the other party. To me its a respect thing. I sit around and I wonder why I'm not worthy of it, I mean to be let down so many times by the people I love and hold on this pedistool it crushes me. And I'm breaking down in tears right now because I don't know where I went wrong or what I did wrong, ya know?
And another thing... I know I am not gorgeous and not even that pretty, but I dont look in the mirror and think I'm ugly. I'm not overweight, or have pimples... I have a nice smile, minus the overbite (which will be gone soon).. I'm not preaching that I am a supermodel... but I am not ass ugly either... I mean there are plenty of people who are worse looking at me... Well the reason I say this because there is this very good looking guy in my English class... and I mean very good looking. I think he even models lol. I lack all confidence in myself, but somehow I have been able to talk to him... Well I fond him on myspace and had a friend look at this picture (cause he's that damn good looking) I'm sure that friend will this read too... well she did and we talked after and she said something that really burned me... she said "no offense but my first thought was like what the hell is he doing talking to Laura." Being who I am and being that I really cannot stand up to myself I just said I thought the same thing. First of all that is something I would never say to a friend, even if I thought it was true. I wouldn't hurt him or her like that.
I have always been there for friends when they've needed someone to talk to, or has needed advice, or a distraction, or just whatever. I am always there... even if I dont like someone I always say I will be there no matter what. I guess with some of the things I had and have going on in my life its a show down. I can't just call someone up or IM someone (except for Kim) and tell them whats going on without feeling like I'm competing. At the end of August we found out that my uncle Larry has cancer and has a limited amount of time to live. The first person I called basically brushed me off. I later found out that is because family members of that person also had cancer etc, and it was a battle. I just needed someone to talk to like I've been there for that person to vent. I love this person to death but sometimes its just like "let me hurt let me have emotions and be there for me to talk to." Same thing was I had someone very close to go to Iraq, and he was in a war... I am so lucky he came home safe and sound and not physically hurt like other soliders. As anyone would worry I was constantly hoping he was okay, and certain things would trigger that. Her boyfriend is in basic and was saying some stuff too. I mean I can understand that pain of having someone you love go away for a while. But she knew he was safe. She didn't have to worry that he was going to be bombed or shot at and dying. She didnt have to worry that something went wrong when her mailbox was empty or no phonecall. It was like I wasnt allowed to have something go wrong but something else is always more important. And I cant say anything of this to her. I mean she's picked out some of my flaws and I can't do it to her, cause then its something else to battle about. I just do not know.
Well now that I've written too much I'm gonna go and try to eat some dinner, I think I'm getting sick and I have to get up at 6 tomorrow morning and I wont be home until about 10pm. Bye byes |
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